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mCm *kitty*

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(no subject) [Dec. 15th, 2003|02:05 pm]
mCm *kitty*
[Current Mood |blankblank]

hey all. since livejournal killed the invite codes, i've packed up and done that thing i always wanted to do: made a new livejournal with a better user name. come visit me.


if you wanna still be my friend, add me or comment me here. i might update here from time to time. meh. <33
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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2003|09:30 pm]
mCm *kitty*
a letter to someone who will never read it.

remember when i was sick? i was downstairs and i need to get upstairs but i just couldn't. i didn't have the energy. and you were so scared. you had never seen me sick before. you told me to go home, rest. but i wouldn't. you always said i was stubborn. that was the first thing that came to mind tonight. because i'm sick again.
the thing i always remember though is the late night calls. sometimes, i wouldn't be awake to get the calls, and i'd check my voice mail first thing and there was some long drawn out message from you saying the most random things ever. and that one time you called, when i was coming home from albany. cause it was thundering and lightning. you cared. remember?
and i know i screwed things up. i know i was dumb. i know i was a horrible person. and what goes around comes around and here i am, still hurting. you're over it by now. and i'm trying to apologize so bad. i want to make things right. i want our friendship back. and you don't. and i can understand that. and now you're hurting me.
i guess i just want you to know how much i miss you. i don't know what else to say for now. and. i wish that you could read this.
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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2003|09:15 pm]
mCm *kitty*
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]

this is not a good night at all. i don't feel well, i didn't do my homework, we might have school tomorrow, my parents fighting, and now this. ben. why now? why tonight?

help. <33
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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2003|03:09 pm]
mCm *kitty*
[Current Mood |boredbored]
[Current Music |none]

i'm seriously contemplating whether to do homework or not. why can't they just say right now that there's no school tomorrow?? it makes perfect sense. all the weather stations are saying that this stuff is going to continue until monday mid-day. so why not save us kids the hassle of doing homework and all that not-so-good stuff. and, in my family's case, save me the hassle of waking up, showering, getting ready, walking out the door just to hear the phone ring and it be my dad saying that there's no school/there's a delay/something like that. blah.

The Turnabout Dance (girls ask guys) will be held on Sagurday, January 10th, 2004 from 7:30 to 10:30 PM in the high school cafe and the cost is $10.00. ($15.00 at the door).
jkeahdtiatggaa. blah. stupid pointless dance. really, come on. it's so...brady bunch-era. lame, lame, lame. and like i was saying before. it's VERY pointless for me [and many of my friends] because we are always the ones asking. for me, there is one exception, but he was the creepy stalker-ish type. blech. now, i know i'd say that i'd rather be at a track meet or hockey game or something. but, knowing me, i'm gonna be at the dance. without a date. as usual. dfahljhgka.

i took time before to actually READ my livejournal userinfo. most of it is just copied out of my aim profile from time to time. and then i forget about it. but. summer 03. i'm stilling missing it. a bit more than usual lately. i don't know if it's because of talking with katelyn about ben or just seeing all this snow and knowing it's so different than things were during the summer. driving down the same roads and it's like two different worlds.
blahhh....winter makes me depressed. actually, me being stuck inside all day with nothing to do but homework makes me depressed. it gives me time to think. about...things. like, ben hating me. oh yeah, he still does. god damn.

we got a christmas tree today. this is the first real tree we've ever gotten. it's small though cause there was like no room for it anywhere. i don't know when we're going to decorate it. christmas is like in a week and a few more days. and i'm going to be SOOO busy up until then. tomorrow there might be school, and my parents work. and i have play rehersal. tuesday...umm...my parents work. and i'm staying after to decorate for christmas. wednesday is the hockey home opener, so you know where i'll be. thursday i do this little thing called get my license. and then i have an effing band concert. !#@$ friday i go get the actual license, then i babysit. saturday is HILLHOUSE!!!! [= [= [= [[girl-ish squealing noise]] i'm excited for that. sunday is kay's party which i got THE best gifts for. monday is that school thing again. and that play rehersal thing again. tuesday is tuesday. wednesday is christmas eve. maybe we can be like a certain rich family and suck the fun out of christmas by hiring professional decoraters. hehe.

well, i think i'm going to succumb and do homework. like my chem lab. <33
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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2003|09:39 am]
mCm *kitty*
[Current Mood |boredbored]
[Current Music |crap]

now i know i'll never be cool.

so they captured saddam. they found him in a hole or something.

hmm...i don't know what's going down today. ian was maybe going to come over because i thought this christmas party thing was going to be later, but it's at two, so scratch that. i gotta wrap my christmas presents and stuff. and do my lab. oooh i hope it's a snow day tomorrow.

oo la la, snow!

"ange, i want to drink you!"

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(no subject) [Dec. 13th, 2003|11:55 pm]
mCm *kitty*
[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |yellowcard - view from heaven]

today was great. just one of those wonderfully good days. i got to spend some quality time with michael, got some free food [aww hell yeah mashed potatos]. i also went to the mall with kay and ange. "we gotta find something for my cousin, she's ghetto." haha, ange had this big mac and we were in macy's men's department waiting for my mother and so she didn't want to eat it in the open, so she like hid between two tables. it was great. "these are why rules like 'don't eat in stores' exist. cause people like you put lettuce on the shirts!" then we wanted so bad to jump out and scare people, but we were laughing too hard. babysitting wasn't too bad either. i gots money now. [=

i saw nick today. tomorrow is his birthday. my thoughts were correct. ben still dislikes me. i just love the way everybody describes ben. it makes me laugh. they mention me and he yells out, "I HATE HER!" like, i can so picture/hear him doing that. so ben hating me makes me laugh, but it still makes me very sad. [[sigh]] boys, they're such fickle little creatures.

i really hate kleptos. not jackel, cause she klepts like physical objects. i hate kleptos that klept your thoughts and ideas. those who follow in your footsteps, but are still one step behind. see, it's just not cool. you can't just steal a quote, whether it be from a song or poem or letter or anything from somebody's profile/away message and use it as your own. it doesn't work. it's got a meaning and that's why it's there, not because, "hey that looks like it's cool. and this person is using it and they're on top of things." while you're at it, have fun with your anti-fan club.

i'm out. <33
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(no subject) [Dec. 12th, 2003|04:40 pm]
mCm *kitty*
[Current Mood |relievedrelieved]
[Current Music |matchbox twenty - bright lights]

there are certain events that change our lives and shape the person we are to become. there's also those things that you just dwell on every day. you know, those things you think about and say to yourself, "well what if..." there's two types of that though. there is the type where you wonder what your life would be like if something really great hadn't happened...like...if you had been in a different pre-school/kindergarten class and hadn't met your best friend. it's really odd to think about that, cause you know that the good thing changed your life, maybe for the better. but then, there's the other side. what if something bad hadn't happened. and your life was just incredibly happy like some sappy tv show. it's the sort of stuff you can dwell on for ages, still living in the past. i've been dwelling on things lately. not too healthy.

it started very randomly after school monday. i was talking with somebody and just how fucked up people are. and come on. you know they are. and, we were wondering, maybe things would have been different. the horrible irony was also brought up. things you just never thought... i've just got to stop living in the past. but. blah. life hurts.

i was reminded of another thing yesterday. i actually didn't even REALIZE it until months after it happened. but, just something. it just reminded me of...that night. WHY CAN I NOT FORM COHERENT THOUGHTS??

this had a point, but i don't remember at the moment. oh wait. got it. up until lately, i've thought that i only had one thing in life that i regretted, but i learned from that and have changed my ways, but now i realize i have two things to regret. i hate regretting things. and normally i'm all "no regrets" so i don't know what happened that night.

that was kind of depressing. it's funny how time works out. in happier news...

as everybody knows, i've been going to theater camp since the summer of 1999. but the summer before that, i went to first step day camp cause my mom had nowhere else to send me. and i didn't like a lot of the kids there because i was like ages older than everybody and i only remembered a handful of people. and i remember this one kid andrew and he reminded me of somebody so bad. but whatever. and i was young and i just let things go. i thought about it every so often. i had never seen him around town or anything so every so often i wondered where he was. well. now i know. on tuesday, i'm hanging around backstage and there's this kid andrew and suddenly, i put two and two together and it clicked. i was like, "you went to first step!" so now we've been talking and ooooooohhhh....it's just something i needed. i love random surprises from the past.

okay. that's enough. <33 stay cool.
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(no subject) [Dec. 11th, 2003|03:40 pm]
mCm *kitty*
[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]

hey everybody, today is birdie's birthday!! she's turning sixteen!!! i <3 my birdie [= [=

nothing interesting yesterday. mitchell attempted to teach me to back-park and...yeh it's just not working. /= i'm getting kinda nervous. that plus it might snow thursday morning. so not cool.

i'm going to danbury tonight. woooohoooo. [=

you know what? i love some people's middle school state of mind. wake up, this is eleventh grade, not seventh. boys and girls can be friends. they don't need to be going out. or even like each other. things can happen without there being a relationship. that's the real world. there is just SO much that i need to get off my chest right now, but you know, with our school's lovely way of taking our own thoughts and turning them against us, i'd rather not at the moment. also, i can't exactly form it into words, but i know of at least one person on my side through this. <33

blahhh...now i'm so out of it and angry. so like. yeh, if i keep updating it just won't make sense. i.m me later, maybe i'll be able to talk then. <33
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(no subject) [Dec. 9th, 2003|04:01 pm]
mCm *kitty*
[Current Mood |busybusy]
[Current Music |harry potter music stuck in head from band]

today...well it was better than yesterday. remember how i said that i wasn't going to talk to mike? well, yeh, once again, there goes THAT. but we talked, and now this is a more "playful" war. like, it's not "i hate you so lemme fling poo". i love all this snow. we're having like snowball fights in every class. and in the halls. but study was good, in some ways. boys haven't evolved much from monkeys. it was so amusing how like the guys were gathering and being so effing shady. you could tell they were up to no good. the funniest was when [i think] tom threw a muffin ball and it hit the half-wall and just went -SPLAT- and like half of it was stuck to the wall and the rest was on the floor. we were dying when we saw that. [[sigh]] i'm gonna miss that study next semester.

chem was nice too. me and mike got everything out and then i taught him how to draw stars and we talked about harry potter!! he likes harry potter!!! omg we were talking about book five and the next movie and !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm glad everything's good now. after school was fun..."come be a star..."

so yeh, today was good, yesterday sucked. right after i typed that whole thing, nick came online and i.med me and like it was something i needed. just everything was too much for me. it's hard to explain and he kind of gets it. blah. i wish i was not h e r e.

i was reading jackel's entry and she said something like it was winter and everybody was in shitty moods and it's defintaley [i really gotta learn to spell that word] true. i don't know about everybody else, but from my end, it's the fact that winter/christmas/the holidays, it's always portrayed with couples getting each other the perfect gift/sitting by the fire/kissing under mistletoe/walking in the woods on a snowy day and you know what? it's just not happening. once again. i mean, nobody wants to be lonely during this season that is all about together-ness. but you know what? right now, i'm not too sure if i actually even want another relationship-type deal. i mean, i've been fucking up relationships for awhile now, but it's just this whole string of them in the past six months or so. i just can't deal with...anything. i still feel like shit for the whole ben thing. i thought things were better, but they're not. typical my life sort of deal. i went to i.m him and he's like "i don't feel like talking to you." it's the same sort of thing he said when everything started going downhill. like the same line. just, months later.

speaking of relationships and everything...what is elissa up to? trying to ruin my life? it's not like i like him... ha. at lunch today, she wanted to beat up this kid cause he said, "adam hates rejection so he sunk lower." i'm not going to comment.

i'm sad. i'm worried about my dog. yeh, he's stupid and all, but still. he can't walk up the stairs anymore and all he does is sleep. it makes me sad. i <3 my overgrown puppy.

i have a lot of spanish homework. and my last driving hour. so, adios amigos!
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(no subject) [Dec. 8th, 2003|08:12 pm]
mCm *kitty*
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]

today really sucked. like the one good thing that happened today, i felt bad that it happened.

so my dad wakes me up and i was planning on straightening my hair, but then i wanted more sleep so i go "give me five minutes." he gave me like twenty-five. then when he woke me up, i didn't have time to straighten my hair or shower and my hair was all funky from being in braids, so i had to mousse it [using my mom's cause i had none] and then it still looked odd, so i threw it into a bun and basically i'm rushing around and the phone rings and i thought it was lanie reminding me to bring her shirt or something, but it was my dad saying we had a delay opening. ugh, that's always what happens. so i went online for a bit, got bitched at by my mom, the usual. and she dropped me off at the school super early so she wouldn't be late for work and guess what? she was.

study. ugh. boys suck. a lot. it hurts more that they were my friends. like when i was talking to jamaica. WAS is the key word. he WAS a nice kid, he WAS my friend. asshole. but some funny stuff did happen. me and kay talking about mr. russo: "he has like add or something." [me] "no, he has attention deficit disorder." [kay] and then the whole table just kind of looked at her. then we talked about her mom telling her not to call her brother gay. then...the most priceless thing ever. kay whips out the tree picture ["what the fuck is that? is that a tree??" -stab-], but she's so not sneaky that i knew she was up to something and at first i thought she klepted something from me. then i saw what it was. and anyways, this was in the midst of boys being gay and the gay boys getting rockie in on whatever and i wanted to know what the hockey team was plotting against me, so i called chris over to the table, and lauren was holding that damn tree picture so i grabbed my water bottle and i went to hit the paper, thinking the water bottle was closed and, well....it wasn't. so i sprayed the whole table with like a full bottle of water and then lauren jumps up and screams and i scream and we're all screaming and for some reason the study was realllly crowded...like every table taken. so everybody is looking at me cause i'm crying and screaming and laughing and just looking 100% psycho. then i feel two hands on my shoulders and i think "oh crap" and i look up and thank god it was mrs. bryan and i was like "i thought the cap was on." and she just laughed and then i had to get napkins and everybody was watching me. so it sucked, but it was really funny. like, that's making it to yearbook memories.

pre-calc, i payed attention. wow. and in child development, mrs. barrows bugged out on michaela. it was INTENSE.

play rehersal sucked. if things keep going, i'll hate it. and for me to hate play...

i just can't take things anymore.

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